


Waves of Longing

by whimsycreator



Series: Blue Song Universe [3]
Category: UTAU, Vocaloid
Genre: America AU, College AU, Emotional, Flashback, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, High School AU, Human AU, LGBTQ Themes, Music, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Namine Ritsu, Nonbinary Yokune Ruko, Other, Ritsu is nice, Romance, Singing, Slice of Life, Spin-Off, meeting online, nonbinary couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27091855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsycreator/pseuds/whimsycreator
Summary: The title of this story is taken from the meaning of the kanji in Ruko and Ritsu’s last names. Much like how Blue Song was taken from the kanji in Taya and Uta’s last names.Same Universe as Blue Song. This heartfelt spin-off focuses on Ruko Yokune and Ritsu Namine’s romance that took place during the events of the main Blue Song story.As the two ended up meeting online in 10th grade first at age 15, the story begins in a time earlier than the events of Blue Song, but eventually takes place when they’re in college, and during the events of the main Blue Song story.This story contains LGBT+ themes, and in particular, non-binary trans themes. However, they won’t make up the entire story’s themes, of course.
Relationships: Namine Ritsu/Yokune Ruko
Series: Blue Song Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974271
Kudos: 3





	Waves of Longing

**Author's Note:**

> Please read these notes! The beginning ones here, and the end ones!
> 
> First of all, this is a fanfic with LGBT+ themes, and in particular, non-binary trans themes. If you don’t agree with that, then this fic isn’t for you. Don’t say anything if you have nothing nice to say.
> 
> Second of all, **I am not non-binary or trans myself. I am cisgender.** I am aware that I cannot speak over or for anyone in the community about their experiences. I am a cis writer, but I am trying to respectfully portray these non-binary characters as well as I can. Therefore, I tried not to go into extra-extensive or detail about the characters’ internal conflicts, angst, and deeply personal experiences with being non-binary. I don’t personally know how it feels myself, so I cannot accurately portray these emotions, and I understand that.
> 
> Also, even though the first two chapters will have quite a bit of talk about being non-binary trans, later chapters will barely mention it, or not at all. There are more to these portrayals of Ruko and Ritsu than just being trans, just like actual trans people in real life.
> 
> If anyone who is non-binary/trans wants to offer any suggestions, critiques, corrections, or constructive things to say, then please share them with me. I would be happy to read your input.
> 
> The title of this story is taken from the meaning of the kanji in Ruko and Ritsu’s last names. Much like how Blue Song was taken from the kanji in Taya and Uta’s last names.
> 
> The first kanji in Ruko’s last name Yokune (欲音), 欲 (pronounced “Yoku”,) means “greed,” which can normally have a negative connotation. However, it can also just mean to “want,” and it is in the word for “desire,” 欲望 (pronounced “Yokubō.”) I decided that “Longing” is a good synonym for “desire.”
> 
> The first kanji in Ritsu’s last name Namine (波音), 波 (pronounced “Nami”,) means “wave.” Pretty straightforward.
> 
> And yes... senritsu73 is Ritsu! Of course!

Ruko’s Point of View

I figured out something new about myself weeks before I ended up meeting my best friend.

I realized that I wasn’t just a girl, identity-wise. But I wasn’t a guy either.

I was bigender. I was still “somewhat a woman” most of the time, yet I also had another gender, that I would describe as being “somewhat masculine.”

Both of these genders fell on the non-binary spectrum, and so did my overall identify.

In a nutshell, I figured out right before 10th grade began, that I was non-binary. It was a label that felt right to me. It felt like it answered so much about who I was.

But it left me in a tight spot. The world, for the most part, still didn’t view such things with very much openness and understanding. I became afraid to tell my parents and come out to my peers, aside from a few close friends at school.

Eventually, a supportive friend of mine suggested a website I should join. It was a forum and chatting website focusing on LGBT+ youth, teens, and young adults, so they could have a safe space to speak about their experiences and talk to other people like them.

I thanked them and logged on to my computer as soon as I got home.

I chose a screen name for myself on what was rather a whim, “Yorucoffee.” Yoru was Japanese for night, my favorite time of day. And I liked coffee quite a lot.

Oh... and it kinda had my name, Ruko, hidden in it. Moreso if you spelled it like “YoRukoffee,” that is.

I then felt a bit intimidated about the website’s layout and the sheer amount of people in the forum who already seemed pretty tight-knit. I also didn’t really know much about how the format worked and the site’s unspoken etiquette yet. I wasn’t really the type to be shy, though.

I then noticed a lack of posts on the website from non-binary people like me. There were many gay and lesbian posters, along with bi and pan people. A few ace and aro posters, and some binary trans people, but...

I decided to take a chance, however. This was no time to be afraid of rejection. Maybe the fellow non-binary folk were all hiding, and my post was going to bring them out?

“Hello!” I wrote my first topic on the forum in the “Newcomers” category.

“Hello, I am new here! You can call me either Yoru or Coffee. I am non-binary (bigender) and I am looking forward to making friends who can relate. I am 15 years old and in the 10th grade. I noticed there didn’t seem to be many non-binary people posting on this forum. I still hope you will accept me anyway.”

I took a deep breath, and pressed “post.”

It was going to take a while for people to see my post and reply. In the meantime, I decided to fix a sandwich as a snack and relax a bit, maybe surf the web or read a book. Perhaps even study a bit, if I find myself in the mood.

I ended up taking about an hour-long break before I refreshed the page.

I ended up getting three replies.

“Welcome!” The first one said. And that was it. Well... I felt a bit grateful they were welcoming, but I was hoping for a bit more than a one-word reply. I was hoping for people to open up a bit about themselves, perhaps, or make an effort to get to know me. Perhaps that was asking for a bit much.

The second reply I got ended up being a bit similar in nature. “Hope you enjoy your stay here, Yoru.” And that’s all they said.

I got to the third reply, and I felt my heart begin to swell with gratitude when I realized how much that person had typed. That was the kind of reply I had been longing for.

“Oh, wow! Another enby? Nice to meet you, I’m one too! (Enby= NB, Non-binary person, by the way.)”

I felt joy as I read their words. So they were non-binary too!

“I personally identify as a demiboy, meaning part of me is masculine-aligned, but the rest of my gender isn’t clearly defined. I go by he/him pronouns. Despite that, I prefer to present as feminine and wear feminine clothes. What are your pronouns, Yoru, if I may ask? I am also 15 years old and in 10th grade. I’m turning 16 next month. Also, don’t worry about people here not accepting you. Being against non-binary people can get you banned from these forums. Anyway, I hope we can get along!”

I felt so grateful for this person to have sent me such a kind and engaging message. I looked at his username, and saw he was called “senritsu73.”

Senritsu... Japanese for melody. A very lovely screen name! Did he enjoy music like me? His profile picture was also a picture of the Pokemon, Squirtle, playing the piano!

I was eager to answer back.

“Thanks so much for the nice message, it means a lot.” I typed. “I’m fine with any pronouns, really, but prefer she/her or they/them. Wow, it feels so nice to talk to someone about this. I was feeling so alone before. I hope we can get along too. By the way Senritsu, (can I call you that?) do you like music? Your screen name is the Japanese word for melody, so I thought you might have an interest...”

This time, a reply came in about ten minutes.

“Oh, you’re welcome! I was so excited to see another enby here. And yeah, I do understand the loneliness. Luckily I have two guy friends at school who understand and treat me as one of the guys despite the way I look and present. I don’t want to look different, I just wish the rest of the world could perceive people who look like me as possibly being a “guy,” you know? And oh, yes! I do love music, thanks for asking. I’m a pianist and a singer. I’ve been taking piano for 3 years and voice lessons for about 8, actually. And if you want, we could move this conversation to instant message! I would love to chat with you without having to flood the forum.”

I immediately looked at my IM tab. There was a message from senritsu73.

“Hey.” It said. I decided to reply there instead.

“Sup?” I said back.

Activity came in about a minute.

“senritsu73 is typing...”

“So, do you like music?” He asked me.

“Oh, sure I do!” I replied.

———

Yorucoffee: I’ve been taking voice lessons for 6 years and I recently picked up the saxophone.

senritsu37: NICE. Sax is pretty epic.

Yorucoffee: Sure is! But being a pianist has its perks because you can actually sing while playing it. Pretty impossible to sing while playing a sax.

senritsu73: Lol, that is true.

Yorucoffee: XD

senritsu73: Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask. I hope this doesn’t sound too invasive, but are you comfortable with the pitch of your voice? I know many non-binary and other transgender people are not.

Yorucoffee: Don’t worry, you weren’t invasive. Well, I actually had a really deep singing voice after puberty, possibly due to me being intersex. I was told to embrace it, but I still hated it, so I did a bunch of vocal exercises to be able to sing higher. Now I’m able to sing in both a masculine and feminine tone... It’s kind of embarrassing actually.

senritsu73: What? Wait, that’s incredible! How is that embarrassing? You must have an amazing range, and that’s a skill many gender non-conformists would probably be jealous of! My voice is feminine, since I’m DFAB (designated female at birth.) I’m fine with my speaking tone, but I wish I could go just a bit lower when singing, for vocal purposes. Also I see... you’re intersex? Does it affect your everyday life? I don’t know too much about intersexuality.

Yorucoffee: My voice range is embarrassing because nobody expects it, I guess. Just like how I’m 6 feet and 2 inches tall. Everything about me is embarrassing, honestly. And being intersex? Well, aside from being the “embarrassing secret” that I have to hide from ignorant people, it doesn’t affect my life too much, but it does mean I can’t ever conceive or give birth. I don’t get my period either. (Some may consider that a blessing.)

senritsu73: Oh... I’m sorry you’re embarrassed about that. But I say you should embrace it. Embrace your height and your voice. And there’s been a lot of awareness for intersex people lately, so you’re not alone in that as well, I promise!

Yorucoffee: Thanks, Senritsu. You’re very nice, you know? Unfortunately, I think I have to go now. It was nice chatting with you! I hope we can chat more Im the future.

senritsu73: Thanks, Yoru. You too! Okay, see you later!

Yorucoffee: TTYL!

———

I logged off my computer, feeling satisfied and fulfilled that I got to know someone and that they were so understanding and friendly towards me. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt a bit melancholy knowing that I only knew this person online, and they could potentially be living on the other side of the country, or the entire world, even.

All I knew, is that if I ever met Senritsu in real life, I would give him such a big hug.

———

Weeks passed, and Senritsu and I chatted just about every day. I eventually even changed my profile picture to a picture of the Pokemon, Umbreon, with a cup of black coffee, to compliment his Squirtle.

At one point, when we both had nothing to do, and nobody was home at my house, I suggested we tried voice chatting through the computer.

I really wanted to have a natural, speaking conversation with him. I really wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear him laugh and to laugh along with him...

“Oh, sure.” He responded. “This forum doesn’t have a voice chat though. So, do you have Skype?”

“No, I don’t. But I could make one.” I replied.

“Sweet. Let me know when you’ve made one.” He replied. “My name on Skype is the same as here, senritsu73.”

I made my Skype the same as well, Yorucoffee.

My heart was pounding as I finally joined the call with him in it.

“...Hello?” We both ended up saying at the exact same time. We burst into laughter. It was such a wonderful feeling!

“So, Yoru.” Senritsu eventually asked me. “Now that we can hear each other’s voices, I wanna hear you sing something!”

“Oh...” I began to feel embarrassed and put on the spot. “Um... I’m not really warmed up right now. But I did record myself singing a couple of days ago. I’ll just send you the file, I guess.”

I sent Senritsu the file through Skype of me singing “A Whole New World”... And yes, both parts. In two different tones. Both a masculine tone and a feminine tone.

“...Oh my gosh...” I heard Senritsu react after a while. “That is INSANE. Don’t tell me that’s BOTH you... oh my gosh... you’re so talented...”

I began blushing just a bit. I was mostly just feeling embarrassed and modest.

“Heh... thanks.” I said quietly.

“And your timbre is so rich, and your pitch... and your vibrato, oh my...” Senritsu kept going. “I had no idea you could sing like that, Yoru.”

“Ah, thanks.” I said.

“Well... I guess I’ll send something of myself too then.” Senritsu said.

My heart pounded in anticipation. I was finally going to get to hear his singing...

The file showed up and I downloaded it onto my computer.

“on my own cover.mp3”

Ah, I assumed it was the song from Les Misérables. Wow... Quite a hard one to sing.

I clicked on the file and gave it a listen. The familiar song I was expecting began to play, and then his voice... Oh wow... Wow! I was impressed... and suddenly felt chills. Senritsu had such a powerful and rich quality to his voice that conveyed such emotion, and it didn’t even get to the climatic part of the song yet.

“Oh... wow! You’re... really good.” Those words were all I could articulate. But it wasn’t just “really good.” I could tell Senritsu spent years refining his skill and put his entire heart into his singing.

“Oh, thank you.” He said. He was suddenly a bit quiet. Maybe like me, he was feeling a little bit shy. I also eventually noticed he didn’t change the pronouns in the song, which went “I love him.” Could Senritsu possibly be bisexual or gay, I thought...?

The song eventually progressed to the most climatic part, and Senritsu had belted the lyrics out with so much emotion, but still in full control of his voice. I thought right then that he had an incredible gift.

-

_I love him_   
_But every day I'm learning_   
_All my life_   
_I've only been pretending_   
_Without me_   
_His world will go on turning_   
_A world that's full of happiness_   
_That I have never known_

-

The emotion of the powerful lyrics sung in his passionate voice eventually overtook my own, and I found myself wiping away tears as the cover ended...

-

_I love him..._   
_I love him..._   
_I love him..._   
_But only on my own_

-

“Oh my...” I said, trying to pull myself together. “Your voice moved me, really... I’m in tears right now...”

“Oh, um...” He suddenly was quiet. “Should I apologize?”

“No!” I said. “Not at all! You have a fantastic gift, Senritsu. Your voice is beautiful, powerful, and I can tell how much passion and devotion you put in it. I had no idea you were so incredible...”

“Ah, well... Thanks! That means a lot, I appreciate it. You’re really incredible yourself, Yoru...”

“Aw well, um... I’m nothing like you, though.” I said.

“Well... I don’t know. If you knew me offline, you’d see I’m not that great a person.” Senritsu responded to me. I heard something different in this voice right then that I didn’t hear all day.

He sounded sad.

“Ah... Wait.” I responded to him. “Why are you saying that?”

“I’m just... I don’t know. I guess I just have a lot of problems in real life, that’s all.”

“Oh.” I said. “Well... That’s totally fine. Would you like to talk about them?”

I heard him sigh.

“Well... my parents don’t know anything about me.” He said. “They don’t understand why I love music. They don’t know any of my feelings, or who I am inside. They’re so disconnected from me, that they don’t even feel like my parents. They also don’t know anything about my gender, and that I go by ‘he’ and ‘him’ pronouns. They call me their ‘daughter’... They don’t even know that I’m bisexual. And I really can’t feel like I can ever come out to them.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” I said. “But if anything, that just makes you stronger, to be able to hang in there through all that. Okay? You can always talk to me. I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks.” I heard Senritsu reply quietly. “But also... I’m still not that great. I feel like I deserve all this. Because... I’m just... not a very good person.”

“What?” I answered. “I think you’re incredibly nice. You gave me such a warm welcome when I was new to the forums. You’re kind and supportive, and I can sense you’re a good, genuine person.”

There was a pause for a while.

“...Thanks, Yoru.” He said. “It means a lot. You’re very kind to me. Thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome!” I said. “I mean it!”

“Well, I think I need to get started on my homework now.” Senritsu said. “It was nice talking to you though. I hope we can do it again sometime.”

“Oh, alright then. See you! And same!”

“See ya!”

“Okay, bye!”

I felt a bit wistful as I logged off. I still didn’t know where Senritsu lived, and if it was anywhere around here... and on top of that, he finally showed me a different side of himself, one that didn’t seem to be quite okay... Even though he was an amazing person.

I began to listen to his song cover again, just to hear his voice. It still gave me chills. I began to feel a bit emotional. Tearful, even.

Even if he was far away, I promised I would be there for him.

Because there was one thing I was certain of. We were friends, no matter how far away we happened to be.

**Author's Note:**

> The reason I wrote that Ritsu’s icon is a Squirtle playing the piano is because of his connection with Squirtles. You see, apparently in his official bio (where the entire thing is a joke, because he is originally a joke UTAU,) his second form is a Squirtle! Crazy, right? Also, the fake/nickname CAFFEIN uploaded the first image of Namine Ritsu under, was “ZENIGAME”. Zenigame is the Japanese name for Squirtle.
> 
> I also actually searched on Google if there were any actual images of a Squirtle playing the piano, and it turns out there is one, and it is drawn by the official Pokemon illustrator Ken Sugimori! Take a look for yourself.
> 
> The reason Ritsu feels like he is “not a very good person” and that he deserves his unfair treatment is partially due to something explored in my other fic in the same universe, Reflection, and in chapter 15 of the main fanfic, Blue Song. Basically, Ritsu is a reformed bully. He deeply regrets his past actions and now has a wish to apologize to everyone he had ever hurt. He feels he can’t let things go until he can apologize, or at least make up for his past actions, which is something he still feels he had never done.
> 
> Also, even though I am not non-binary/trans, I relate to being closeted as a WLW, and about having parents who feel distant. So I still wrote that part where Ritsu was in the closet about being both non-binary and bisexual.


End file.
